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Cookie Butter


~A trip to Trader Joe’s in which the jars of cookie butter hypnotize you for uncounted minutes, but you wrestle free, too proud to hop so blatantly onto the bandwagon

~A box of Speculoos cookies that you slip into your basket because you plan to sidle daintily onto the bandwagon in the DIY fashion (graham crackers or any other crispy cookie work in a pinch)

~Some nut butter or other

~Milk of choice (I like almond)

~Dates are nice

~Or another sweetener of your choice

~This is not a recipe Lucia


~Vanilla, sea salt, other flavor vividizers


Toss everything in the food processor (start with a few tablespoons of nut butter, and about 1/3 cup of milk, maybe 5 soaked dates…)

Hit the magic button.

Add more milk and/or nut butter if the machine is ornery and refuses to transform your cookies into the silken aliment of the gods.

Highly recommended: stop the machine several times and swirl your finger through the buttery waves, scooping as much heavenly ambrosia as your digit can balance. Now taste, you know, to check seasonings and consistency and—swoon. The apotheosized nectar wraps you in a holy trance. Throw in a bit more of something to justify a later taste test. Repeat. Several times.

Transfer to a jar. Use a large, unwieldy spoon so that large caracoles of divine sustenance remain smeared around the food processor bowl. Alas, to prevent the sacrilegious waste of these remnants you must once again sacrifice your finger to the task of collecting them and conveying them to your mouth as swiftly as possible.

If anything makes it into the jar, it should last in the refrigerator for a week or so.

According to ancient legend, the gods are known to eat cookie butter on apples, on bananas, on ice cream, on bread, on granola, on oatmeal, on cookies, but mostly on their fingers.